It's Not Always Sunshine And Roses

One of the most difficult times in my life occured just three years ago.  Thank God I had Denise to help get me through it.  My husband and I had at that time been married for 11 years.  We had a 10 year old and 8 year old boy.  For years I had wanted 3 kids.  Two boys and a girl.  I had the 2 boys, but the prospect of having a girl wasn't looking so hot.  I had pretty much given up on it and my husband didn't want to have one at all.  Although I hadn't been on birth control for several years and we were not using anything to prevent pregnancy, my husband was completely against having another child.  That same summer I had been offered a new job as a school nurse.  It was a job that had great benefits-paid holidays and summers off!!  Could it get better than that?  Of course I accepted without hesitation!   I gave my 2 weeks notice at my then current job.  I was excited but it was hard to tell.  I felt horrible!  I was tired.  No, I was EXHAUSTED.  I didn't think much of it until my boobs started feeling sore.  I was late for my period, but that really wasn't (and still isn't) odd for me.  I rarely have a regular cycle.  But the sore boobs is what tipped me off.  I told my husband that I was going to get a pregnancy test.  He didn't respond too much.  I think he truly thought he was shooting blanks-which I don't understand why he thought that.  But, to be honest, I really didn't think I was either.  Since my periods were so irregular I really just thought it was a fluke.  I went ahead and took the test.  We all know what the results were.  If you haven't figured it out, it was positive!  I was ecstatic!!!  Shocked, but ecstatic!!  I couldn't believe it!!!!  I called my husband into the bathroom and excitedly told him.  His reaction was the extreme opposite of mine.  With a stone face he said "What?  You can't be.  You are starting a new job in two weeks.  The timing is horrible!"  No excitement.  No joy.  Nothing.  Two things happened.  I got really sad..... And then I got really mad.  He had already planned to take the boys to the park and play ball with them, so he took them and left me by myself to try and figure out what had just happened.  After the initial shock wore off, I called Denise.  She gave me the exact response I needed!   Elation!  She was so excited!  At the time, we were (ok still are) huge Twilight fans (Team Edward!).  We were waiting for New Moon to come out but had just finished reading the entire series together.  You will only understand this next part if you are a Twi-Hard.  She wanted to buy me a maternity shirt with the words "My Lil Nudger" printed on it.  We were already making plans.  She was talking about breast pumps and baby showers and I needed that!  The next day, I called my ob/gyn to make my appointment.  My husband and I weren't going to tell anyone about the pregnancy until we had been to the doctor.  They couldn't get me in for a week, which is eternity when you want something this important confirmed!  The day of my appointment came to me having to wake up at 4a.m. to go into the hospital to assist with a procedure.  I felt great!  I was sleeping great and very happy.  My husband still wasn't near as excited about the pregnancy as I was, but atleast the look of shock was gone from his face!  Things changed that day.  As I went to the bathroom that morning and wiped my privates, I noticed blood on the tissue.  I had gone through a miscarriage before and was almost sure that this was what it was, but I was hoping that it was just spotting from all of the changes occuring in my uterus.  The nurse in me knew, the mom in me was denying it.  Sucks to be in the medical field sometimes.   I knew my doctors office wouldn't be open for several more hours so I went to work, got done with the procedure and called the clinic.  They said I needed to come right in.  I hadn't told my husband up to that point.  I think I was afraid of his reaction, and rightly so.   I called him next and told him.  His reply?  "It's just Gods way."  Really?  That's all that SOB could say?  I have said I am a strong Christian before, but that is NOT what I needed to hear right then.  He asked if I wanted him to come with me to the doctor and I said not only no, but hell no.  Who did I call?  Denise.  She met me at the doctors office where it was confirmed that I was miscarrying.  I felt all alone except for her.  My parents were shocked by the pregnancy and even though they are good parents, didn't know what to say.  I understand to a point.  It's always somewhat akward in a situation like that.  My in-laws were the same way.  Not Denise though.  She stuck by my side the entire time.  Thank you Jesus for my friend (as I write this, tears still stream down my face because I know that without her friendship that time could have been a lot darker). My husband was still acting very non chalant about the entire thing.  After a couple of days of lab work to see if the pregnancy was going to leave my body on it's own, the doctor decided I needed to have a D&C done.  I was emotionally numb.  The only person I felt I had to lean on wasn't my husband, but my sister, my friend.  Denise.  For the next year  I held a lot of anger towards my entire family.  Especially my husband.  He was jealous that Denise filled the void from my loss.  And she is who I looked to for comfort.  I was mad at God for letting this happen, so I didn't turn to Him.  I still went to church regularly, but I sat through services, not listening.  I was in a fog.  I was depressed and angry.  And not one time when I was griping and moaning about what had happened did Denise ever tell me to get over it or anything like that.  She listened.  Finally, on Christmas Day something snapped in me and I killed my husband... Just kidding.  I needed to lighten the mood.  HAHA!  But something did snap and I know it was God, who never left me, telling me that I had a choice, continue to dwell on the child I didn't have, or love and cherish the two I do have.  I, of course, chose the latter.  My husband and I had a heart to heart where he apologized for his actions.  He knew I had lost some trust for him and he would have to work to get it back.  And Denise was there the entire time.  So thank you "H" for your help.  I love you dearly!