Blue October

Have you ever gone through low points in your life and you have a song that ALWAYS seems to pop into your head during a low point?  I am at a low point in my life.  It's weird, I know it's a low point.  But it's a low point that needs to happen.  I have taken the time to read through all my past posts and I realize this won't come as a surprise to anyone that my marriage is ending.  I am sad that it is, but it really needs to.  It's not due to a lack of love.  The love is there-it's the respect, trust and kindness that are absent.  For so long I have tried to make this thing work.  And he has, too.  Both of us fighting through turmoil forcing something to work that can't work because in the beginning, we didn't set it up to work.  We just have too much history together.  Negative history.  I hate that it is happening for the sake of our family unit.  I have always wanted my kids to grow up w/both parents in the home (who hasn't).  Sometimes love just isn't enough.  I am ready to make this next step in my life.  I am thankful to have Denise to guide me through, as well as J.  I have said before they are my support team.  I also have my family and they will see me through it.  And so will God.  I have to remember that God will bring me through this and like the poem "Footprints," when I see only one set of footprints in the sand, it isn't that God abandoned me.  He carried me.  Like He has so many times.  I pray for my family that we can make this as civil as possible.  I want him to go on and be happy and be a great father.  I don't want him to fail.  I want to see him be at each and every event he can be at.  I want him to find someone that will make him happy and be good to my boys as well.  I will be a good mother and I will be a good ex-wife.  I am attaching a song that is constantly on my mind right now and usually is when I am at a low point.  It used to be on my mind because part of the lyrics say "I want to swim away and don't know how."  I think that describes how I have felt about my marriage.  I knew that I needed to let it end, but I didn't know how.  Now this song hits home for a different reason.  I know I am ready now.  I actually am ready to swim away.  I know that sounds so corny, but it's true.  This song was so depressing for me all of the other times I heard it.  Now I think when I hear the words, "into the ocean end it all,"  I don't think of how sad and pathetic the situation is or even how I used to feel and how low I had allowed myself to get.  I think of the fact that I am ready to end this relationship.  This may not make one bit of since to anyone but me.  I am sorry if it doesn't.   Anyways, I know this blog is supposed to be about Denise and I, and this post is,  to a point.  She is my sister and will get me through this.  She and Jesus will be the only ones that know how to do it without driving me crazy!  I love her more than she could ever know.  Anyway, I am posting this video.  It's weird.  Not gonna lie about that, but I love this band and this song.  Enjoy!